At the aquarium, waiting for a wedding to begin

This poem started writing itself years ago at the Seattle Aquarium. I’d arrived for a an evening wedding, and had time before the ceremony to stand transfixed before three exhibits: the jellyfish, the octopi, and the seahorses. The wedding was beautiful, but the image of the seahorses lingered longest. This poem is from my book, Pluck Another Apple, Eve, And Finish It .

At the aquarium, waiting for a wedding to begin

Dorsal fin fluttters
a soft wave.
Prehensile tail
wrapped around a coral twig
lets go,
curls into the golden ratio
of nautilus,
a perfect Fibonacci spiral.

There was a first time in all time
when something dropped to its knees
in awe.

I speak of that moment
the universe grew into
while its galaxies
spiraled in swept currents,
the first time something gasped
and knelt
because it didn’t know
what else to do.

The photograph of the swimming seahorse is from Pixabay.com, and was posted by PublicDomainPictures.

The Ingenious Connection Between our Subconscious Mind & our External World

The woman in the green jacket

Our external world gives us the best signals.

In the town where I live, I’ve seen a young woman roaming the streets, asking for change, sometimes accompanied by a man who she always walks a few steps behind, but usually on her own. She often sits on High Street bundled up in a sleeping bag.

A few months ago, I noticed she was wearing what looked like a new green jacket. This past couple of weeks, I’ve seen her more or less every time I’ve been out and about. The jacket is dirty now, and she looks tired and worn out.

One evening a couple of days ago, I was on my way to a restaurant with a friend. We came across this woman and she asked if we had any spare coins. I don’t usually have any coins on me, but this time I did and I gave her what I had. Over dinner, I told my friend about her, and that something about her seemed to stay with me.

I hadn’t been able to put my finger on what that was. There was a chunky, “blobby” feeling in my chest whenever I thought of her. It felt very uncomfortable.

Was it guilt, shame, fear, or something else? I live my life believing that, if what I perceive around me triggers me one way or another, it exists within me. So…this lady represents something in me that wants to be seen and released.

I didn’t have to poke around long to see what was going on. It was staring me in the face.

The feeling wasn’t fear of her – it was fear of becoming her.

OMG.

I feel something stir as I share these words in the here and now, and there’s no shying away from them.

A timely rejection

Back in 2008, I was very close to moving to the US. At a crucial point in discussions about a job opportunity, the recession hit and that avenue closed. I continued to feel a pull to move to the US and in November 2012, I applied for an investment visa. It meant incorporating a company and investing some money in it to lay the groundwork for a visa while serving US clients from abroad.

As I walked into the US embassy in Stockholm for my visa interview in March of 2013, I didn’t “feel” it. It was as if I was in a bubble. No flow, no energy moving. Yes, I was nervous. But there was more to it than that, although I didn’t have the words for it at the time.

My visa application was rejected. I wasn’t surprised. I had a sense that the rejection confirmed something I already knew. I had followed my gut in pursuing the visa, yet maybe this was the Universe’s way of telling me it wasn’t meant to be…or, there was some other learning in it…or maybe the timing was off…

All the way through, from the first impulse in 2008 to move to the US, I’d been adamant that I would bring some furniture with me. My reasoning was that I had a few pieces from my grandparents that I didn’t want to give away, and since I was already living far from the rest of my family, I couldn’t easily return them. Or, so the story went.

I stayed curious about my stubborn determination to bring furniture. Why did I think there was a “need”? After some digging to see what was really going on, I found that I had a belief that moving to the US without furniture would mean I was homeless, with no security, and could easily become a living-under-a-bridge-with-a-shopping-trolly person. Now, I see the ill-crafted logic. Not having your own furniture doesn’t make you homeless – places can be rented furnished! But that somehow didn’t matter. I had this looming feeling that moving to the US without furniture could turn me into a homeless person.

It wasn’t until I was trying to figure out why the lady in the green jacket was having such an effect on me that I connected the dots and remembered about the visa application and the furniture.

Notice any similarities…?

Limiting beliefs

Over the past year and a bit, I’ve been training to become a certified Spiritual Practitioner. Part of the training requires getting to, and operating from, the cause-side of the “cause and effect equation”. Meaning that if I’m at the effect side of the equation, I perceive that things are happening to me. That’s victimhood. If I’m at the cause end of the equation, I realize I’m the creator, the one responsible. Exploring and learning to be “at cause” involves looking at patterns that show up and situations that trigger me in some way, and then releasing them.

Coming back to the fear of becoming the woman in the green jacket, there’s actually another piece that takes it deeper. I’m afraid of failing my new venture.

I notice my choice of words, “I’m afraid of failing my new venture”. I’m afraid of being a disappointment to my new venture, that I don’t have what it takes to do it justice, that I’m not good enough. Though that’s a lot clearer about what’s going on, it’s still somewhat covert as that wording still separates myself from myself. My venture is me, it’s my life’s work!

The above may sound a bit doom-and-gloomy, but it really isn’t!

As a Spiritual Practitioner, I have the tools to clear my limiting decisions or beliefs. Such decisions or beliefs result from traumatic events (in this lifetime or other lifetimes). Based on the experience in that traumatic moment we decide there and then to believe a certain truth as a way to protect ourselves in the future. That limiting belief gets stored in our subconscious and helps guide us forward in life. We’re usually not aware of these “truths” running our lives, and, at times, it can be somewhat tricky to find them.

I also know as a Spiritual Practitioner, when things that “show up” in my life trigger a powerful emotional response, some limiting decision or belief is poking me to be released.

For example, take the lady in the green jacket or being homeless without furniture. My underlying emotion or feeling of discomfort is a sign of something that’s ready to be released. Actively pursuing my life’s work, is triggering this deep-set limiting belief. I don’t need to figure out the details of exactly what happened when to cause this belief (to know the full story linked to the emotion). What has been, has been. The key is to identify the emotion within the trigger and ask what I make that mean about me now, and to ask that question repeatedly until I’ve gotten deep enough to reach the core limiting belief.

The true victory here is recognising the pattern and identifying the limiting belief (or core belief) that I’ve been running at a subtle level, a belief I’ve been using for a long time to make meaning of opportunities and possibilities in my life. A belief I was only vaguely aware of, off and on, until the lady with the green jacket showed up.

Zeroing in and releasing

I’m very close to nailing down the wording for this core belief. When I get it right, when I find the perfect combination of words, I know from past experience that I’ll feel that rightness as a deep, uncomfortable contraction in my chest. Despite the discomfort, I’ll welcome it, because finding the right wording for my limiting belief is the biggest chunk of the work of letting the belief go.  

The actual process for releasing the belief is fairly quick. And, incredibly powerful.

After a belief has been released, generally one of three things happens. (1) The situation or circumstance that caused the trigger disappears completely, or (2) the situation or circumstance remains but external behaviour changes, or (3) the situation or circumstance remains the same but you’re no longer triggered by it.

Knowing how powerful this release process is, I’m looking forward to shifting this core belief and seeing how I’ll show up in my life’s work when I’m not subconsciously holding myself back because of fear.

If you’re aware of patterns, or you are noticing similar situations showing up in your life that make you feel deeply uncomfortable, guilty, fearful, angry, or sad, contact me to schedule a free 45-minute Curiosity Call. You don’t have to let limiting beliefs hold you back.

One more degree of freedom

If you’re at all like me, it’s your body that tells you when something infinite is moving within you. It’s your body that transforms abstractions like Awakening, Opening, Freedom, Unity, Grace, Source, and Awareness, into an intimacy you can trust.

When it speaks, 
it’s not often sound I perceive, 
but sensation.
A knife-quick outbreath
concaves my chest;
my heart splits 
and refills it. 
Tears rise and my mind weighs in 
but by then I’ve already answered.
If I touch a wall to 
steady myself, 
people who notice may wonder 
if something’s wrong. 
Nothing is wrong. 
These are the moments that make me. 
The whisper enters; 
something breaks open. 
One more degree of freedom. 
The day goes on.

From Pluck Another Apple, Eve, And Finish It, poems by Holly L. Thomas.

Seven Practices of Thriving and Abundant Consciousness

Hi friends!

Just before the turn of the year, Jeff received the following in meditation…

Seven Practices of Thriving and Abundant Consciousness:

  1. Beauty
  2. Creativity
  3. Relaxation
  4. Simplicity
  5. Enjoyment
  6. Love
  7. Clarity

These seven practices necessarily expand and awaken individual and collective consciousness, and they create the experience of abundance. Together, they support an opening into Joy and Receptivity. They also support the deep work of healing, clearing, forgiving, and integrating that so many of us are drawn to at this time.

Curiously, three of the above practices – Relax, Enjoy, and Love – consistently show up in the same order in our work with The Consciousness of Money. “Relax, Enjoy, Love” is a simple formula that has already been helping people to live in much lighter and more abundantly joyful ways. Now, with the expanded set of seven practices, we have “more ways to play” as well as additional tools for staying grounded and clear.

Here’s our suggestion for the New Year: Let’s all see what happens when we celebrate and engage with these seven practices in the first few months of 2019. All of us at Sourcing The Way and The Consciousness of Money invite you to join in this fun experiment, and to let us know what starts to flourish as you do so!

A Journey of Totality

The following is a report of my journey and experiences related to the Total Solar Eclipse that crossed the United States on August 21, 2017.

On Sunday the 20th, I drove from Aspen to the path of totality in Wyoming via secondary highways. The traffic across the Western Slope of Colorado was light but the feeling of energy pressing in was intense. In fact, the subtle energies calibrated the strongest (by orders of magnitude) of any I had ever experienced. With further clarity I realized that a massive consciousness pressure was enforcing a kind of one-pointed attention and emptiness, which dovetailed beautifully with the meditation of driving through the mountains and high desert.

At some point it became clear that I needed to open completely to receive the gifts and messages of the eclipse, which were already coming through. The main messages were:

  1. The field of Vibrational Manifestation (i.e. the world, including subtle realms) is being re-seeded with new opportunities for awakening.
  2. The USA has the opportunity to be reborn from the new consciousness.
  3. The seeds are deeply planted and the opportunities for awakening will rise to the surface in the coming weeks and months. (In this moment, I’m getting through late January 2018.)
  4. By committing to awakening and AWAKENESS, we align with powerful forces of transfiguration. Doing so will greatly ease our experience of these times.

I car-camped in CBEAUTY next to the Boysen Reservoir overlooking the Wind River Reservation.

TSE - CBEAUTY 20170820

Continue reading A Journey of Totality

Labradorite

If I tilt this piece of labradorite just so,
when the angle’s right,
the grays of sky and sage
give way to Aurora fire.
Flames beneath the surface
blaze blue-greens
particular to this stone’s
particular sheen and qualities.
And also, uncontained, beyond containing,
deep light-lines straight as arrows
cross its face, bridges
to the something more
this piece was part of.

If you acutely angle a mind
in the geometry of surprise
enough to catch its story looking elsewhere,
a soul with the sheen of a rufous throat,
but neon-bright, shows itself,
blazing through the story’s camouflage,
and all the edgeless lines of light it holds
are pointers to the next soul and the next,
hints of the original urge
to break into so many,
and of the ache for union.

Shattered into everything, the All
reveals its fire through our faces.

IMG_3230
Photo of labradorite, by STW council member Dave Smith

Holly Thomas is a member of the Sourcing The Way Council. This post from her forthcoming collection of poems is part of a series of  “Glimpses” — brief explorations inspired by sourcing, the occasional bolt from the blue, or simply noticing.  

 

The Velcro Ego

Spoiler alert, in the highly unlikely event that it’s not already glaringly obvious: I have not left my ego behind me on my spiritual path. But I know a few folks who have. Instead of identifying with their personalities, they consciously wear them like luminous clothing. Their sense of Self as Source dons just enough cover to function in the world.

I’m not that…realized? Lately, though, I’ve had some success at more quickly recognizing what my ego is up to, and helping it relax into the background so the larger me can show up. This post is about one tool I use to do that.

First-up, definitions

In this case, by my ego, I don’t just mean the parts of my personality that inflate and deflate. And not just the ‘healthy self-image’ self. I mean something closer to the whole Sagittarian tango perceived as me. But even that’s not quite it.

Let’s say my ego is the part of or aspect of me that’s focused on 3-D reality. It favors stability and safety. It tries to handle experience by concretizing it. When I’m not paying close enough attention, it treats as solid a range of stories, memories, experiences, sensations, and states of being that aren’t solid at all. Right, wrong, good, bad, true, false, better, worse—it’s the aspect of me that knows how to cope with a world of dualities and tends to feel threatened by any suggestion that there’s something more subtly unifying and non-dual going on.

The ego isn’t wrong. Not exactly. It is important to know the difference between the bug and the windshield. Being oriented to 3-D reality helps keep me alive. But I don’t want that narrow a view of reality to define and control me.

My ego has a black belt in doubt. It gets uneasy when I experience creation in non-dual ways, but it’s too clever to try to shut down such experiences by saying they’re not real. Instead, when I let it, it casts aspersions on my sense of the meaning of such experiences. Or, switching sides in the same game, it makes me need such non-dual experiences to feel ‘worthy’ or ‘important’ or ‘special’. Either way, my ego knows exactly how to hook me if I let it make me the fish.

“Small moves, Ellie, small moves”*

I’ve forgotten exactly what I was doing, but I was being stupidly judgmental about something, feeling simultaneously self-righteous and disgusted with my self-righteousness—a particularly nasty left hook/right cross combo. So, I took a breath and noticed what my ego was up to.

Next, I stepped back to wonder why. “I” didn’t vacate the premises, I just shifted perspectives. Ego is made of stories, and I caught myself for the millionth time assuming my stories were true.

Noticing I was hooked on my stories was all it took to unhook me for a while. So I took a good look at this Holly person who’d moments before been so firmly perched on her pedestal, and all I could do was laugh. I dropped my judgments like a boring book and became intrigued by this notion of ego hooks.

Next thing I knew, an image of a strip of Velcro popped into my head.

Velcro

Analogies are like rubber bands. Stretch them too far, they snap. But stay with me while I work this Velcro analogy a bit.

Velcro is a brilliant tool for keeping things sturdy, contained, controlled, and tight. It’s
adjustable, within limits. It’s nearly indestructible. It’s easy to peel apart from the edge, very hard to pull apart by a perpendicular attack (assuming the Velcro is strong and well-enough made).

Left to its own devices, Velcro also has a remarkable ability to pick up lint and pet hairs and crumbs and other gunk that bit-by-bit clog it up. Plus, if it’s not kept fastened up or wrapped, it tangles itself with itself. In fact, it can tangle itself with pretty much everything.

Velcro works for me as an analogy for the ego first because it’s not cloaked in spiritual or religious or psychological language. No intimidation factor. No holiness needed. No incense required.

Second, because Velcro isn’t all or nothing. Yes, each hook is binary—it’s either attached or it’s not—but a whole strip of hooks presents a whole range of…let’s call them ‘degrees of attachment.’

When I was in high dudgeon as Empress Holly Judging Herself and the World, my ego was firmly attached to itself. But just noticing that much was like peeling up a small corner of a Velcro strip, then a bit more, and a bit more. I didn’t have to open the whole strip to grok what my ego was up to. I didn’t have to dislike the Velcro, resent the Velcro, love the Velcro, or become realized enough not to need the Velcro. I just had to peel it open a bit at a time.

Practice makes practice

Since then I’ve been using this Velcro image a lot. When I catch myself falling for one of my stories—the need to be right, for example—I take a breath and imagine myself peeling up a corner of a Velcro strip. Often now, all I need to do is think “Velcro” and whatever had me hooked settles back into a non-issue.

The best thing is that it’s getting easier to unhook. I catch myself sooner, so the ego doesn’t as often attach all the way before I start peeling it back open.

Here’s where the analogy stops:

Velcro doesn’t learn from experience. Holly’s ego does. It can be cunning, and it’s fully capable of at least attempting to subvert this practice. But instead, it seems to appreciate knowing it doesn’t have to alternate between locking up tight and flapping loose, frantically snagging whatever it can. Plus, my ego rests better knowing that I don’t see its penchant for attachment as a character flaw. It’s just attachment—a tightness I can loosen or release.

Maybe my path will one day rip off my ego for good, hooks, loops, stitches, and all. Maybe death does that. But meanwhile, it’s still here, and we have come to an understanding. My ego is finally learning to relax and release its hooks more quickly, sometimes even gladly. And I’m finally learning to avoid getting so tangled and snagged.

ππππππππππππ

*”Small moves, Ellie, small moves” is a line is from Contact, one of my all-time favorite movies.

This post is the third of a series in which Holly’s sharing “glimpses” that come to her through meditation, Sourcing, the occasional “bolt from the blue, ” or simply noticing.